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His name was Fleming and he was a poor
Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family,
he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a
terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Thinking and
acting quickly, farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a
slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Fleming had saved. “I want to repay
you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”
“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the farmer replied,
waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family
hovel. “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.
“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.
“I’ll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good
education. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll grow to a man
you can be proud of.”
And that is what he did. In time, Farmer Fleming’s son graduated from
St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London and went on to become
known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the
discoverer of penicillin.
Years afterward, the nobleman’s son was stricken with pneumonia. What
saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph
Churchill. His son’s name: Winston Churchill.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese.
"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said Jenny.
"OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."
A friend in need is?
Someone to avoid!
The Top 10 Ways to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
You Might Be A College Student
If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from
bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing
them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to
class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen
Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail.....
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